Two jobs one woman

two jobs blog.jpg9.35   I rush into a meeting a few minutes late. Daniel, my colleague, raises his eyebrows the smallest fraction so only I can see and says “Right shall we start?”

And I try not to say “Start? I’ve already done a day’s work.”

Rewind to seven hours ago…

2.45 A person under four feet tall gets into my bed because his bed feels itchy.

2.58 He is so overwhelmed by love for me he has to lie on top of me to get to sleep.

3.13 He is asleep. I am awake, not daring to move in case I wake him up.

3.54 I have pins and needles in my right arm. I can’t sleep. I have a big meeting with Daniel tomorrow/today and I am worried about not getting enough sleep.

5.27 I must have gone to sleep as I am woken by an elbow in the ribs.

5.38 I am unbearably uncomfortable, so I shift position and my child rolls out of bed. He starts crying, loudly. I hug him but he accuses me of violence. My husband wakes up for the first time and wonders what the problem is.

5.42 My child is still crying and my husband has gone back to sleep. I persuade the child that it is the middle of the night and take him back to bed and lie in his cot bed with him. I don’t fit in it and I am scared I am going to break it.

6.04 Someone tells me they are hungry.

6.05 They tell me again in case I didn’t hear.

6.09 They stand over the bed and shout it in my ear in case I have become deaf overnight. She wakes up her younger sibling. He also tells me he is hungry.

6.20 I make two children porridge whilst they fight over the blue chair.

6.23 I take a Weetabix encrusted bowl out of the dishwasher and scrub it even though there are many other clean bowls, but it has to be this special one.

6.45 I clean porridge off my new slippers from Zara Home. The porridge was thrown at me because I didn’t let someone put their own honey in.

6.59 I wipe down some school uniform with baby wipes to make it presentable.

7.06 I get someone to recite their times tables for a test that day and realise they don’t know them. I shout them at her angrily in an attempt to get her to learn them, then realise I don’t know my six times tables either.

7.10 Someone tells me they can’t find their pants. I find someone’s pants.

7.15 I get a teenager out of bed. This is a full time job and involves lots of shouting and threats.

7.25 Someone tells me they can’t find their socks. I cannot find their socks. I give them yesterday’s socks.

7.36 A teenager puts something in front of me to sign. I sign it. Later I realise I have agreed that he can go on a school skiing trip that costs more money than I have.

7.48 I have to negotiate a crisis between two people, one of whom is aggrieved because the other one went down the stairs first.

7.53 I sit on my bed and look at my phone whilst no one in my house puts their shoes on.

7.54 I get in the shower. Realise I have run out of time to wash my hair even though I have been up for five hours. My hair looks awful so I try really hard not to look in the mirror.

8.00 I fish some tights out of the dirty laundry basket and sniff the feet.

8.02 I decide whether anyone would notice if I wear the same thing as I wore yesterday to work. I think not and stick the creased dress on, wrapping a cardigan around the stain on the right hand side of the top.

8.05 I realise I am late just as the teenager comes into my bedroom and wants to chat. This is a rare occurrence and I listen to his chat for five minutes I don’t have.

8.13. I come downstairs. No one in my house has their shoes on.

8.16 I put everyone’s shoes on whilst the teenager tells me about how I am breaking the UN convention on human rights by making him come home from a party at midnight.

8.20 We leave the house and walk to breakfast club. Someone falls over and I manage not to shout at them, and I do kiss them better, whilst inwardly cursing them.

8.23 Someone steps in a puddle.

8.24 I have a discussion with a nice lady in the school office about how someone has stepped in a puddle and will need dry tights.

8.32 I trip running for the train. No one kisses me better.

8.47 I sit on the train, emailing someone about a party invite, agreeing to provide cakes for a bake sale and paying long overdue after school-club fees.

9.35 I rush into a meeting a few minutes late. Daniel, my colleague, raises his eyebrows the smallest fraction so only I can see and says “Right shall we start?”

two jobs blog image 2.jpg

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